Becoming

I am a follower of Christ. God is my priority as I am his, at least I am doing my best to work on it. My biggest struggle is opening my phone and checking social media before I acknowledge him.

Yes, I am a work in progress, but I am learning.  The best thing about loving God is knowing that he does love me so much that he gives me grace. This blog was a way for me to get out my thoughts and struggles. Struggles, that I am learning, are more common that I thought. This new year, I took the time to begin the new year with a prayer board, praying to learn my purpose, learn God and learn about me in the way that would put me on the right path. I was absolutely tired of getting it wrong. Part of this journey includes the theme of becoming and learning that I am enough. I often struggle with feeling like there’s something I am missing. I often feel inadequate and insecure about who I am, who I’m supposed to be, where I’m meant to go, with who, and what am I supposed to do, but through building my relationship with God, I am realizing that he gives me identity, and no one else. So, I decided, if it’s God who gives me identity, and if he gave me a purpose, let me ask him! Instead of giving me the straight answer I asked for, that he knew I wasn’t ready for, he began building me instead. I was immediately asking, why can’t I have an answer to what my purpose is? I have a right to know Lord. I thought of Jesus and his purpose, which was to be forced to be disconnected from God when he took on all our sins. Jesus understood his purpose at 12 but when it was his time to be taken to the cross, he felt the true weight of his responsibilities and what his purpose meant. His emotions and his fear made him cry out to God “if it is possible, let this cup pass from me, yet not my will, your will.” I still asked God, for a full understanding of my purpose, and I thought of the song “Yes,” by Shekinah Glory. If anyone has ever heard that song, the lyrics are:

Will your heart and soul say, yes?

Will your Spirit still say, yes?

There is more that I require of thee

Will your heart and soul say, yes?

Now will your heart and soul say, yes?

Will your Spirit still say, yes, yes?

If I told you what I really need

Will your heart and soul say, yes?

At first, I was confused, but then I understood what God was telling me. First of all, I am not Jesus. Am I really at the place in my life, that if God really told me what my purpose was, and all he needed me to do, before I was ready, would I still say yes? Would I still say yes this is hard but nevertheless, “your will be done, not mine?” I was not yet equipped with the skills, tools, knowledge, and all that he designed me to be to be able to take on the tasks associated with my purpose. I wasn’t offended because I thought about it. If God probably told me how big it was, I might go cross-eyed. Had I been Jesus and he told me at twelve I was meant to take on the sins of the world, in all transparency, I would not die or send my child to die for either of you. I love people, but I do not like quite a few of them walking around here to say I would not have said, Lord, I think you have me mistaken.

Of course, he didn’t send me to die, but he did send me to save souls, and to be obedient regardless of my personal feelings towards my problems, family, friends, and the hardest of all, my enemies. God knew I had some deep-rooted disdain for some people. He knew I needed to forgive quite a few people. I needed growth. People kept telling me of my talents and praised me for my numerous gifts, but to what end without God? So, this stage of my life is called Becoming. Though it’s a simple word, it is a process that I will share with you. I had to learn that I am enough. God tells me that I am more than enough, and I didn’t believe it, so it hindered me from becoming everything that I was designed to be. I wasn’t confident, I didn’t feel like a good mother, a good woman, and I was discouraged. Trauma lingered from my past experiences and bad choices, bad choices from traumatic experiences, but I decided, enough is enough, so the journey began. I can only hope that this encourages you to start your own journey or encourages you as you continue your own.