Becoming Myself

It’s a very disappointing feeling to come to an understanding that at some point I didn’t know myself. I put on these cloaks of armor made with traumatic materials, stitched with anger, hurt, and bitterness. It was hard to undress myself and put on clean clothing because I felt for so long that the armor kept me safe. Just as much as it kept me safe, it hurt other people.

I have this theory that the armor of God that we read about in Ephesians, that people of God should wear, in sin, we wear the enemy’s imitation. A lot of what the devil does, mimics and taunts God as if his version, his way of doing things, is better, so in sin we clothe ourselves in the enemy’s armor which would, of course, be the complete opposite of what God would have for us. A belt of fear, an armor of anger on our chest, feet of perversion, the helmet of confusion, the shield of hate, and the sword of lies. Wearing this type of armor to fight not just against the angels who fight to protect us, but each other. In sin we literally give the demons the weapons and the power they need.

I said all that to say, this armor most of my life warded off what was good for me, and I attacked everyone. Having gone through so many traumatic events as a child I lost sight of who I was without it. My personality was altered to fit this world by my experiences. I eventually became so mean and I’m far from a mean person, I’m actually really soft hearted but men became a target of my wrath. I became the person that they were to me. I was dishonest, sneaky, and I used them before they could use me. I’ll give you an example.

“…in sin we clothe ourselves in the enemy’s armor… a belt of fear, an armor of anger on our chest, feet of perversion, the helmet of confusion, the shield of hate, and the sword of lies.”

Shauni

My daughter’s father was really abusive and when I finally got away, I moved back in with my mother. For the sake of this story, we will call him Allan. I went back to church, and it was then that I met my husband. He and I became best friends, and for the sake of this story, we will call him Lawrence. Lawrence and I would go to the movies dang near every day because we had a monthly membership, so it was cheaper, and we just wanted to spend time together. If we couldn’t afford anything, we were ok sitting in the parking lot doing nothing, just talking. We weren’t in a relationship initially, and looking back, I really shouldn’t have without healing from the abuse and hurt that I endured from Allan, but I did. Lawrence and I dating was so good for a few months. He helped me with my kids, he was sweet and attentive and made sure that we had what we needed as much as he could. Then Allan began to pursue me again. I’ll never forget the day he came to the church we attended in Jersey, from New York, on Easter Sunday, super late, with his father, in an ALL-WHITE SUIT. The level of embarrassment I felt. I left with Lawrence anyway, but that Sunday was so disturbingly Allan. So bold, invasive, and embarrassingly toxic. When I say the audacity of him to pop up at my church and ask to speak to my mother to give her a speech on healing from his abuse and the sob story. (PUKE). Sir, you threw my head into a door and kicked me like a dog when blood spewed from my mouth. Oh, ok, I got something for you. He apologized and begged and pleaded for me to take him back, so I did. I didn’t tell my Lawrence that I did, but I did. When I say something in me snapped, oh it snapped.

I don’t know if you all remember hurricane Sandy all those years ago, but this was shortly after. The National Guard in NY was activated to help clean NYC after Sandy, which Allan was a part of. He was broke and homeless before then but because of all of the active duty work, Allan made a lot of money. You would think he would have got a place to live or a job. Nope! Homeboy pursued me. I made sure he paid for all the trips for me and the kids to get back and forth from NY to NJ to visit, which was often. I would tell Lawrence some type of lie as to where I was. Allan would travel from NY to NJ as well. This isn’t a right across the border trip, we were in central jersey in Toms River, so it was an hour and a half on the bus. Hotel stays, food. All of it. These prices racked up.

Lawrence did catch me and Allan one day. He was so heartbroken. I wanted to explain but I didn’t. To avoid feeling bad I was so cold to him. Lawrence was asking me why while Allan was in the house 25 feet away, and I can only imagine the level of hurt he must have felt to be told that the abuser was being chosen over him in that moment. I was so, “I don’t know what to tell you.” Lawrence looked at me with so much disdain and told me “You are just like a n*gga.” The hurt in me was so proud of myself because… yeah, duh, that was the point. I was tired of being ran over, pushed, abused, raped and misused by some n*gga! So, why not become one, and defend me like a n*gga would. Lawrence just had to be collateral damage. He’ll get over it, I’m sure he’s done something to someone else’s daughter.

“Lawrence looked at me with so much disdain and told me “You are just like a n*gga.” The hurt in me was so proud of myself because… yeah, duh, that was the point.”

Shauni

I made sure that Allan spent every dime of that money in his guilt. I made him buy me a new engagement ring, and anything else that I wanted. I knew he wasn’t sorry, and he hadn’t changed. I was still getting calls to my phone from other women. Once all the money was gone, I explained to Lawrence what I had done. I missed him so I actually convinced him to agree to get married in secret at the courthouse. I had only told a friend of mine so she could be a witness, for the sake of this story, we will call her Laura. I was going to tell Allan after Lawrence and I got married, but Laura not only told Allan 3 days before my wedding day, but she also drove him to my mother’s house and left. Allan didn’t tell me that she did it until after it all happened, but I didn’t understand how my so-called friend brought this man to my mother’s house and told him my business and didn’t even know him like that. Allan didn’t have a car, but he waited until Lawrence, and I was getting out of the car to go into my mother’s house. He popped up from behind the dumpster. Yes, a dumpster! Needless to say, that Laura didn’t tell me that this man was hiding to pop up on us. Allan cried and pleaded for me not to marry Lawrence and trust him, blah blah blah. I laughed. I was so proud of myself for hurting him. I knew I could never do him physical harm the way he did me. I could never repay him for the damage he did my children.

Lawrence and I got married but he didn’t get over the level of deception I was capable of. He saw a different side of me, and it affected our marriage for quite a while. It became a cycle actually and once he became physical, I became disturbingly different every time. There was no remorse in whatever hurt I offered him at that point. Our marriage got so bad, and I know I made that man lose his sanity at least twice and I’m not over exaggerating. He checked himself into a mental health hospital once because I was so mean to him. So evil…but I was comforted in knowing that I did it because you were mean to me. It’s only right that if you go low, I’m going to hell. I was so nice, so kindhearted, that when I felt betrayed and hurt, you earned the hurt you gave to me and then some.

It has always been true that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is truly for yourself. Not forgiving someone, first doesn’t allow space for God to forgive you. Second, not forgiving someone helps build the armor of the enemy. You begin to shield yourself with anger, and anger produces confusion. You can’t think straight, and you operate in fear of what others may do or are capable of doing to you. You put on this shield of hate, whether it be towards a person, a type of person, a type of behavior, a type of situation, or even an environment, and you begin to change yourself and walk in perversion. There’s no possible way that you can operate in fear, hate, anger, and confusion and walk in your true purpose and who you were designed to be. Top it all off, you can’t speak the truth when your truth has been altered. Speaking lies may not mean you’re a liar, it could be your truth in that moment. For example, telling people I am a certain type of person that isn’t really true. I became that way because of something that happened to me, not because that’s who God designed me to be. Another example I’ve heard lately from this guy, who began the conversation with, I’ve been hurt by a lot of women and certain situations. He continues to say, when I get married, I want to marry a woman who doesn’t want to have more children. If it was up to me, I would have gotten a vasectomy a long time ago. I love my children that I have now but if I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have had them. I don’t want to have to take care of any other children. I will if I have to, but I only want to take care of my wife, whoever that may be. My immediate response was, then I’m not understanding why you talking to me being that I have four. In my mind I was like you a whole red flag for me, but I didn’t say that. Truthfully, God led me to tell him to stop operating in himself.

Until we ask, we don’t know what God has for us. His word says eyes have not seen, nor ears have heard what he has. We get so caught up in what we want and how we want it, that we forget that God does exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ask or even think. You looking to the north, south, east and west for solutions, and God coming from up top or beneath you with a solid, “yeah, you thought wrong.” Where do we align our thoughts? I urge you to dig deep and question your thought process on where you align your thoughts. Is it with the will of God and what he has for you, and this isn’t just those things you feel comfortable with. EVERYTHING, down to the things that concern you. You may be aligned with God concerning your job, but not a spouse because you so hurt by what Shirley, or Eddie did to you 3/4 years ago. God said it’s not about what you want, I got what you need and when you align with God, what you need becomes what you want too, but until then be obedient.

Forgiveness isn’t easy. That’s what I needed to do to become authentically myself. I needed to undress myself to hear God loud in clear concerning what was me according to his will versus what I put on because of some experience or some lingering hurt. It’s very uncomfortable and very vulnerable. It’s a scary thing to remove something that you feel has kept you safe for so long but it’s false. Truth is, I just didn’t want to be hurt anymore. Not just with men, but family, the church, and friendships. I don’t know how many times a woman has betrayed me for some man. Like girl! What happened to girl code?!? My ex best friend is currently engaged to Allan after watching me and my children cry in fear of this man. After he did bad things to us BOTH. Thats a story for another day.

Forgiveness and the willingness to love my enemy, to love those who persecute me, to love those who mean me harm, it’s REALLY HARD!!! In Matthew 5:43-48, it speaks of loving your enemies and the part that amazed me is that Jesus says, that if you love those who only love you, or you only greet your brothers and sisters, how is that out of the ordinary? Where is there a reward in that? How does the world see us as followers of Christ if all we do is love those that we get along with? How does God get the glory out of that?

When I truly picked up the armor of God, and the clothing of salvation, no I wasn’t angry anymore. I began to truly and wholeheartedly, pray for Allan and his childhood trauma. I prayed for his salvation and everything that it meant for him. I cried for all of the hurt and I prayed that he too reached a true level of peace and understanding of who God designed him to be. I’m not fully there because Lord knows sometimes I see that man name in my phone and in the natural the anxious feeling of disgust forms in the pit of stomach but in the process of releasing it, I learned my true gifts in the spirit, one actually being the gift of mercy and the gift of pastor/shepherd. Both gifts are meant for caring for and nurturing other people and mending their lives through empathy. I can feel when other people hurt. I am very emotional! My emotions were meant for something so much more. What if one of your gifts were being used for the wrong purpose? What if your perception has been altered? I find it quite interesting that you will be hurt by someone, sometimes the people closest to you, and part of your purpose is to be used by God to heal and usher in the same person who is doing you dirty. Your examples may not be as extreme as mine were. You may not even be angry anymore, but what have you put on to shield yourself from who you were designed to be. What personality trait?

I urge you to dig deep and see yourself as uncomfortable as it may be. Followers of Christ too! Sometimes we as saved folk tend to trust God for some things but not the things we don’t want to change or refuse to change. There have been quite a few saved people I’ve heard say, “that’s just who I am.” Out of respect I don’t debate but, in my mind, no it’s not. If you have to say, “that’s just who I am,” usually it’s a shield guarding you against a type of behavior you’re not looking to change, but why? We’re always supposed to remain teachable and seek counsel, so “that’s just who I am,” isn’t always a good reply. You must understand the difference between being open to learn and people not understanding that God has already told you something and you standing fast in what he told you, because God is who he is and he will deal with you, but he will also use people tell you what you not trying to hear. I also learned that God loves us so much, he will remind you! Lately, i find myself being told by God to tell me sister something and she’ll laugh and say, “I already know this.” The amount of love and patience that God will literally just take the time to remind her again to say heyyyy you still haven’t done what I have asked you… or for someone else, what I purposed for you, or designed you to do. Not just my sister, me, you, anybody, anything. How many times has God brought something to your attention but because it takes you out of your comfort zone you decided to ignore it or keep going past it? Don’t worry, he’ll bring it back up again. When Jonah tried to get away from doing what God purposed for him to do, he could have gotten someone else to do it, but when he calls you, he calls YOU! He said, oh no, you’re getting off this boat even if I make these people throw you off. Jonah got a free trip from a large fish, whale, whatever… to bring him back, which I mean, my theory again, I can’t say it had to be pleasant. You in the belly! It had to be some nasty undigested food in there. It had to stink. Fish stink! Jonah tried to do the complete opposite of what God asked him to do, he didn’t get a first-class ticket back. My theory, God had to be annoyed! Jonah, you just wasted unnecessary time going in the opposite direction like you could actually hide from me! God could’ve gotten another ship, or told them to turn the ship around. Noooooo. He said ride in this since you want to try to run. I don’t know how many times, I’ve been in my own mess, holding on to what makes me comfortable, that God MAKES my mess uncomfortable. Eventually, he not going to keep sending you a gentle reminder.

Be confident in hearing God’s voice when you hear it whether other people understand it or not but be open to asking God to reveal what is in you that is or is not what he placed there. He will happily tell you what’s not supposed to be there and for the sake of saving time, he will not tiptoe around your feelings, he will tell you plainly. You’re selfish. You’re manipulative. You’re a liar. Whatever it may be, but he will also help you fix it. He doesn’t need to expose you to the whole world, that’s your job! You’re supposed to testify and let the world see the change! You’re supposed to witness and say look what God has done for me! He’s not petty to walk around and brag about changing you! He could, but he’s God, who got time? It’s your testimony, it’s your changes that people can see that help usher in others. He needs us and we need him, but he needs us to follow him, to seek him, and to be who he designed us to be. We have work to do!