Becoming Revived

Pulling the trigger whether accidently, or on purpose was the only slight detail that held back death, or my fate would have been sealed.

When I testify that God saved my life, I do not mean it solely as he forgave me of my sins and I reborn again. Some of us really have a testimony of an event in our life, that when you truly look and compare what could have happened with what actually happened, you see there was only a slight detail that held back death. Calvin had put a loaded gun in my mouth and in my face. Yes, it was more than once. Pulling the trigger whether accidently, or on purpose was the only slight detail that held back death and my fate would have been sealed. A seat in hell with my name on it. If you do not know who Calvin is, you may have not read Becoming Healed, and I forgive you, but you should catch up, but for the sake of time, Calvin is the father of my two youngest children.

The first time it happened he and I got into an argument about a burrito from taco bell. You see how much the devil thinks your life is worth? I’ll tell the story. He was out and I was home with the kids. I can’t remember where he had went but I know he had been gone all day. I cooked dinner, but because Calvin did not eat pork I made a double portion, one for the kids and I with pork sausage and another of the same dish with turkey sausage. I had made something like a Jambalaya. The day before, we had eaten taco bell and Calvin has a thing for not wasting food so whatever food was left from taco bell, he did not throw away. When he got home late that evening, I told him that his food was warm in the oven if he was hungry, he said OK, but I watched him go in the kitchen and heat up the burrito from taco bell from the night before, in the microwave.

“You’re not going to eat the food I cooked?” I asked.

            “Yeah, I’m just going to eat it later or tomorrow or something.”

            “But it’s still hot in the oven.”

Though I was calm, I was annoyed because what do you mean that you’ve made this decision to eat this old stale burrito from nasty taco bell, before eating the home cooked meal that I have made for you? Calvin could tell that I was disappointed but insisted on eating the burrito so, I left him to eat the burrito and I went into the bedroom alone, sad. I felt unappreciated and undervalued. Minutes passed but Calvin came into the bedroom, eating the burrito! It went from unappreciated and undervalued to now I felt he was just being inconsiderate.

“Why do you always have to make something out of nothing?” he asked me with a mouth full of stale burrito.

            “How am I making something out of nothing?”

            “I said I would eat your food later. Why is it that big of a deal?”

            “It’s not nothing to me. I cooked the food for you and made it twice, technically. I would have just preferred you ate the food I made.”

            “I didn’t ask you to do that though.”

What I have learned about Calvin, he doesn’t take feeling guilty well. Innately he may appreciate a person’s willingness to tell him the truth but initially he’s very defensive, so defensive that he blames and is very irate. I’m not sure how the discussion escalated and all that was said but I can say for certain, that it did. Before long both of us were yelling and it led to Calvin stepping outside. I could see the change in his face, and it wasn’t the first time, that I had seen this level of anger in him, and it scared me. There had already been more than one disagreement that had resulted in him becoming physical. I had been choked until the world began to go black and my throat was sore. I had been kicked and I had been pushed.

When Calvin stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, I immediately, out of fear, locked the back door behind him and thought to walk away, but as soon as I had done it, I knew it would seem antagonizing. I was right. Calvin had heard the door lock, and I could tell that I had unintentionally turned anger to rage. In what felt like seconds, I was being pulled back and forth across the floor by my hair until my back had slightly snapped. He left out of the front door as I lay on the floor with my hands full of hair that I had picked up from the floor. I was so tired of not being able to defend myself. While he was now at the front, I went into the bedroom, changed into pants and a sweater, and put my gun on my waist. I silently prayed that this was the end, that he would leave me alone, but just in case, I would stand my ground to protect myself and my sleeping children. It was not the end.

I hadn’t said anything, but he came back still angry! What did I do to you? Calvin dragged me out of the house into the middle of the street. The only light at the end of a dead-end street was one street light pole. Anything outside of the 10 feet radius of the streetlight was pitch black and yet he dragged me to the middle of the street, in the light and shook me violently back and forth and yelling, making the gun fall from my waste to the ground. I watched as Calvin picked up the gun.

“You were going to shoot me?” He screamed. I couldn’t speak. Everything in my body said do not speak, watching him load a bullet into the chamber of my gun and point it at me. He threatened to kill me and kill himself and he realized, he was in the light. I begged for a neighbor to hear this and come to my rescue, but no one came. Calvin pulled me from the light to the darkness in the grass. I was so scared, and my mind went blank, but I remained so quiet as he continued to yell and ask me questions that I couldn’t hear. I thought about my kids. Calvin threw me to the ground and crouched over me, placing the gun in my mouth. He was talking but I just could not comprehend what he was saying. I just remember constantly thinking, don’t say a word, until I finally cried. Calvin finally cried removing the gun from me. We both just sat in the grass and cried. I couldn’t move until he left me there alone.

It was moments like this where I look back and realize, pieces of me withered. My spirit withered, my hope withered, my joy withered, and dreams and purpose withered. It was hard for me to remember who I was and what I was like without some traumatic experience altering that. I remember asking my mother what kind of child I was before I went to live with my father. Who was I before I was being raped and beaten? She told me I was happy, and I smiled a lot. Who was I after? I was angry. That little 7-year- old girl who was fed mostly chips, cakes, and candy living with my father and never saw a dentist, came back to my mother with rotten teeth and unexplainable pain.

Being angry with God did not grant him the opportunity to save me directly. It was God’s grace and mercy that kept me alive and sane. Last April, I began going to my church. Losing my sense of control was very uncomfortable. No job, no money, and soon no car. I had no choice but to trust God as I have already explained. In August of 2023, I was struggling with trying to figure out how to attend two different graduate schools. I was already going to school for my master’s in business, but I had also just got accepted into Syracuse University to pursue my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. I couldn’t choose between the two. I was heartbroken at the thought of not being able to do both. I was worried that Financial Aid wouldn’t cover both schools. The Bishop preached one Sunday about a Bible Christian college he had begun. I sat on the front row and listened intently as he encouraged people to get their degrees. A week later, the financial aid office at Syracuse told me, “Just don’t say anything at all,” so I didn’t and was able to attend both schools.

I was not able to say to someone, help me!! I want to die!! It’s embarrassing, and what can people really say to make you feel better about yourself?

A month later I was beyond depressed. I felt school was the only thing I had for me. You see the photos above, the photo on the left was right around Thanksgiving and the one on the right was my 35th birthday, about a week or so apart. You would never look at these photos and assume that I was begging for death. I still had no job, I lost the car, and I had to find a way to go to court to fight against Allan for custody and visitation in a courtroom an hour and a half away to protect my 11-year-old. The more my Phoenix cried about the father’s abuse, the more the court didn’t listen. By October, my 16-year-old daughter Sarai was misbehaving so bad, I almost couldn’t take it. She ended up leaving and going to live with her father which scared me because I knew she wouldn’t be ok. November came and they gave Allan a visitation schedule that Phoenix didn’t want. By the end of November 2023, depression sat on me so heavy that nothing positive was able to come from my lips. It was not normal. I could hear thoughts come to mind that I would say out loud that there was no reason for me to be here. I questioned my motherhood; I questioned my purpose and what reasons I had to live. I was on the phone with my ex-husband Landon one night, after my birthday, and he was trying his best to encourage me but to everything he said, I replied with death. I just kept repeating I had no reason to be here. He had no idea what to do so he had to get off the phone. I couldn’t even think straight, but in a moment, like moments of flashing lights, I heard God say, there’s a demonic spirit sitting on you. I tried calling my mother, she didn’t answer, so I called back Landon and all I could do was stutter in between sobs that I needed help. He began to pray, and he prayed hard. He told me you have to say Jesus. If you say nothing else say Jesus. When I tell you my lips were so tight! I started with a whisper and was eventually able to pray long enough to explain that an attack was sent to me. Days later someone further explained to me that the enemy was attacking me because I had the gift of faith and the ability to speak things from the spiritual into the natural.

I also learned; God couldn’t keep rescuing me from death without total commitment. All through my childhood I was abused, in 2011 my children and I were being abused, in 2018 and 2019 abuse became death. When the enemy realized I would at least no longer allow men to do it, he began to try to convince me. I was saved, but I hadn’t committed. I was still one foot in and one foot out and by the new year, I was so exhausted. I don’t know what it was in me that finally switched. I think it was the realization that God really hadn’t abandoned me. That he does love me and listen to me. He was talking to me all this time; I just wasn’t listening to him.

I went into the new year with my 2024 prayer board, writing down prayers for 2024. My mother came to me with a fast she was participating in which was no eating from midnight to 3pm in the afternoon and we would be asking God for wisdom and understanding. A week later, the same church I had been attending, started a consecration fast on January 7^th for 21 days to kill our flesh and eating only one meal a day. I combined the two. For 21 days I only ate one meal a day after 3pm and I prayed for God to kill my flesh and to give me wisdom and understanding. I began praying that I get to know God for myself. I wanted to learn God’s favorite things, and his nature, so I bought me a journal dedicated to God, to learn the word and take notes. One morning during this fast, I heard restoration, and he led me on this journey of restoration to life in three steps, repent, revive, and then restore.

Repent

Repent- to turn back, return, restore, to retreat, to draw back

God reminded me that repentance is always the first step, and it is the decision we make. We must first decide to no longer do the things we once did. We cannot serve two masters, so we must choose one. No more riding the fence. The scripture said that I had to pray and seek his face and turn away from evil ways. I can’t want all the blessings that come from salvation without actually living in salvation. It is through repentance that I became clean, but it is God who offers me a clean heart and to put a new spirit within me. In Matthew, John the Baptist says, “I’ll sprinkle you with some water for repentance, but it’s Jesus who’s going to give you the holy spirit and fire.” Once again, you see that it’s us who has to make the decision to ask God for forgiveness. I had to tell God; I’m done. HELP ME! Once I have decided I’m turning away, I’m not going back to sin, I no longer want to be in evil ways, I repent and accept Christ as my Savior.

I had done that! I said the words plenty of times, but what I needed to understand was, what comes next needed so much more than lukewarm activity. You get saved at the altar, at church, or at home in your bedroom if that’s where you felt that rush. You cried and you feel the presence of God and then a week later you don’t feel that rush anymore. You want to listen to the same music, go to the same places, engage in the same activity, and pray only sometimes. Repentance is more than just asking for forgiveness; it is a verb. It also means to turn away from, to retreat. It’s an everyday decision to choose to live for God and be obedient to his word even when we don’t feel it. I had to show God I wasn’t going to be lukewarm. I didn’t mind showing him that I was willing to sacrifice my flesh to fast and seek his face, fight through temptation and turn away from sin. The word says seek his face. There have been times I have looked harder for my keys or my phone! I’m just being honest. Once I had shown my willingness to not be perfect, but to at least retreat and to be obedient, God revives us.

Revive

Revive- to live, to give life, to repair, restore to life, to save, to be whole. To live, to cause to live, or to live again.

I don’t know how many times death has chased me, and I don’t know how many times I’ve actually entertained the thought.  In November I cried for help but all I could say was I was not mentally ok. I was not able to say to someone, help me!! I want to die!! It’s embarrassing, and what can people really say to make you feel better about yourself? Nothing! I’m just at a point in my life where I don’t see the benefits of living it. God used the love of my children to save my life. The enemy gave me a vision of me dead in my own garage, and what stopped me, was God interrupting the vision with my daughter finding me. The thought of my children finding me dead was the only things that stopped me from pursuing it, and I know God knew that.

It makes me think of this song my sister told me about called, “On Time God” by Woman Evolve Worship, and I play it over and over sometimes. The song says, “my hope is knowing my God is holding tomorrow in his hands my life your story, you’re not finished with me yet.” I get joy looking back over my life and the many times death breathed down the back of my neck, and the equal number of times that God stepped in to save it. For so many years I was convinced that my life wasn’t worth living, my dreams weren’t worth pursuing, and my faith in God and myself no longer existed. Everything about me and in me was dead but once I made the decision and urged God to save me, he speaks, and when God speaks, revival happens.

Once we repent, Ezekiel 36:25- 26 says, after the sprinkle of clean water and you are cleansed, God will give you a new heart and a new spirit. The spirit of God is now able to be put in us, which is the same spirit that revived Jesus Christ from death. We see in Ezekiel 37, when there were dry bones in the valley, it was the Spirit of God that was on Ezekiel that led him there. It was the same Spirit of the Lord that caused the revival of dead bones. Jesus operated in the Spirit of God, that gave him the ability to revive Lazarus and into a dead 12-year-old girl. In John 6:63, Jesus explains, it is the Spirit who gives life. Matthew 1:18 says Mary was pregnant by the Holy Spirit. Matthew 3:16 says once Jesus was baptized, the Spirit of God descended upon Jesus like a dove, so it’s clear he operated in the Holy Spirit. Granted, it wasn’t until the resurrection of Christ that he left us with the gift of the Holy Spirit, but Romans chapter 8 explains in detail how we are supposed to operate in the spirit because once you repent and accept Christ, the Spirit of God lives in you! Verse 11 says, and if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, then he who raised Christ from the dead will also bring your mortal bodies to life through his Spirit who lives in you.

The Spirit of God that lives in me revived me, but I had to accept it. I had to believe it. I had to choose to see it. I had to ask God to revive my body, revive my faith, and my dreams. I accepted Christ as my personal savior at 16, and it was the Spirit of God that kept death away for another 18 years despite my willingness to walk hand in hand with sin and the joy I thought I would get from it. It was my rededication, and my heart’s sincere prayer that gave the Spirit of God the opportunity to revive me. It was my obedience that gave God the opportunity to heal and make me whole. God says he lives in a high and holy place, and with the oppressed and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and revive the heart of the oppressed. I need you to know, just like I needed to know, and know now, that God lives with those who he knows need to be revived. When you feel like you’re alone. When you feel sad and depressed. When you look at the back of your eyelids and see death and no reason to live. When you feel overwhelmed by life and everything in it. Urge him. He wants to and looks forward to the opportunity to restore you to life. He wants to revive your dreams, your spirit, your life, your happiness, your joy, your peace. Whatever you feel is dead in you.

For me, I suddenly remembered all the reasons I needed to live, and it wasn’t just about me. I remembered I had work to do. My withered spirit, my withered hopes and dreams, withered joy and withered peace had to be revived. The spirit that lives on the inside of me, my direct connection to God, knows he’s not finished with me yet. My spirit knows life, not death, so over the past few months, I have come to a place that I believe I do want to live. I have a reason to live. I have made it clear that I want to discover my purpose, but it’s a journey not an overnight thing. My breaking showed that I had things from the past that I needed to be healed from. My will for his will was a decision I made, regardless of how I felt, but it’s time that my emotions reflect what God was doing on the inside and that urgency has brought me to a place called Insight.