“Powerless. I felt powerless all my life. People betrayed me and took things from me without my permission. Men took my virtue and my innocence. Being raped and molested took my power and my voice. I felt powerless as men beat on me, kicked me, spit on me, and shamed me.”
I don’t want anyone to feel as though I have it together because I don’t. The past few weeks I have felt empty, lost, and very scared. Writing this blog has been a very scary and transparent road to take, but all I could hope was for people to read it and learn something, even if it was from my mistakes. I wanted people to read and try God for themselves. Most of us tend to go through things and feel alone or embarrassed as if no one else in the world could understand or was in the same situation and it’s far from the truth. Logically I know that, but most days people don’t admit it. Most people judge and act as though they can’t possibly understand. There’s not empathy, self-reflection or truth. Truth be told, writing this wasn’t something I would have ever chosen for myself, especially not now. I didn’t feel I had anything to write about and I certainly wasn’t looking at it as a gift given to me from God.
These few weeks were hard because I didn’t know where to go next. I felt as if I was in a dark tunnel. One day I had a phone interview with the city to redetermine my application for daycare for my son and the lady explained to me that graduate degree programs weren’t an approved activity for the city to continue to pay for daycare and I haven’t been working. She didn’t say I was or was not approved, but I immediately broke down because Lord, how much stuff can be taken from me? I cried, but I got up and still made the decision, God I’m going to trust you, so I did and went on with my day.
I have been concentrating more on seeking God first and letting him decide what comes next. I write, and I focus on my kids, go to church as much as possible, (given I have no car), and I have begun to put myself out there with our church’s connect groups and meeting people. In doing so, I have begun to feel even more out of place, as if my way of thinking is weird. I’m not sure I know where my place is. I know what I want to be able to do, but I’m scared to move because I’m scared to get it wrong. I want to be sure that I’m not doing anything for my glory, but for God alone but how? What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to look to or be friends with here? So many questions, no answers, and just…. Lost.
One big incident that bothered me this week was I had joined two connect groups in my church. It’s something that is heavily promoted at my church, that people join with a common interest or goal to meet with other people in the church. I wanted to join because I didn’t know anyone, and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to learn something or begin to meet more people in such a big church. I’m used to a smaller church where if someone new visits, you can see that they’re new, but in this church it’s easy to miss someone who has been going for a while let alone someone who is new.
Anyways, I joined a connect group and had attended the group twice in which the leader of the group did teach. I am such a big supporter of everything women, that I was excited to get to know other women and begin to build more positive friendships because I haven’t had many positive female friendship experiences. Most times I feel betrayed, unsupported, or there’s some underlying insecurity or jealousy issue. I also joined a writing connect group. With me beginning to write, I thought it would be a good way to connect with other writers in the church, learn and receive some encouragement, and have time set aside to just focus on writing.
My writing group has been amazing! Support and encouragement are something I need in this moment to continue this writing process, but in it, I am also learning to share sometimes, that I am writing, and I do have a blog. Most days I encourage people to read it to give me feedback, but I also encourage some to read because they seem to be battling the same things I am, and I feel the blog may help. I do feel a bit insecure and occasionally having people who are saved say, it does make sense and it’s not wrong feels good, but I wasn’t receiving it. One day I became brave enough to directly ask one of our founding pastors to read it because I just needed to know. Am I applying the word of God wrong? Am I saying anything wrong? I knew this was coming from God, but I needed some “worldlike” confirmation. The Pastor was so sweet, so supportive and her sweet nature is something I will never forget having only met her once, and the first time I meet her, I asked for something. She was just so happy to help. In just three sentences she confirmed, supported, and encouraged me to move forward and gave me what to pray for. It put a little pep in my step.
Moving on, during my second week of being a part of connect groups, one connect group in particular, the leader’s teaching began, the teaching ended, and we were able to share our thoughts about what we learned. I listened to all of the insecurities, or things that were shared in the group by other women and they sounded like me! I was surprised and yet comforted that they too struggled with similar things I was. I waited until the absolute end and shared, ladies I’m writing a blog about my journey, please read it and let me know what you think. I thought it could help. I wanted to help, I wanted to encourage. A connect group is once a week but we have struggles daily and sometimes we don’t have the ability to share specifically what that struggle is and ask for help. Sometimes we are a little insecure and guarded and don’t feel we have the space to be specific about certain things. I thought it was very relevant and helpful.
Almost two weeks passed when I received an email from the connect group leader expressing that they wanted to talk. In the call, they shared that they didn’t agree with me sharing my blog on their platform and I should have asked first so that they could confirm it was something they could support. They further explained it was not something that they do but this was the first time that this had happened, so they didn’t know they needed to put it on their rules list of things not to do. They continued with “maybe this isn’t the connect group for you, and maybe you need to start your own connect group.” “I hope you come back,” they said, but we just don’t allow the promotion because everybody can do that, and I just don’t know you that well for you to have promoted this blog on my platform and I don’t think anyone else would have been ok with you doing so on their platform either. It was confirmed that they had not read the blog and didn’t know what was on it but that they just would have liked me to ask prior to promoting it because they didn’t want it to seem as though they were promoting something that could be inappropriate or wrong.
I was immediately apologetic. I explained that I wasn’t trying to interrupt or overstep, I just thought it would help and I thought it was relevant. My thought process was not in the direction of interrupting someone’s “platform.” I would have never thought that connect groups were meant for that purpose. They asked if I felt I was able to share and have a space in their group, and I admitted I’m still finding my way. I don’t know how much of myself I can be around people. I share when I’m allowed to share but talking about my blog is not something I usually do. I was scared that it was wrong, and I wanted to be sure that it was ok, especially with someone in leadership before I “promoted” anything. I wanted the connect group leader to understand that self-promotion was far from my mind. It’s not something I’m paid for so it’s not like I benefited from it, I was genuinely trying to help so I was truly sorry. The last thing I did was reassure them, since they had not read it, that there was absolutely nothing bad or inappropriate on the blog. I told them I allowed the Pastor to read it and they didn’t say anything was wrong with it. It was then that the connect group leader wrote down the information for the blog to look into it.
After the conversation ended, I felt horrible, however, my spirit just wouldn’t settle. I just couldn’t agree with the nature of the conversation and the things that were said. Even though I was apologetic, I just felt uneasy. We had the conversation on a Monday, by Thursday, I was even more disturbed by the whole thing, and I felt sad, not for myself, but if this was a conversation that occurred with someone new or newly saved, how would a new member feel? People are very easily deterred from the church from experiencing what we like to call, “church hurt.” I’m not easily deterred because I’m secure enough in my relationship with God and understanding how things work to know that you can’t easily sway me but not everyone is like that. My concern is, who comes next but I’m also thinking, maybe I’m thinking too much? Am I being too sensitive? By the next date for the connect group, I didn’t feel comfortable attending the anymore.
I spoke to my sister, and I spoke to my mother, two people I know for certain are likely to give me something to think about and ask questions in a way that will make me evaluate myself. I did understand the leadership perspective. Not everyone is saved and not everyone has the best intentions, so I understand wanting to protect others and making sure the proper content is advertised and as leader you don’t want to seem as though you’re supporting the wrong things. I understood that fully and that was what I was apologetic about. I should have asked for permission to mention the blog and share it with anyone else in the group.
What bothered me was, after almost two weeks of having time to think about and process the information that was provided, they never even looked at the blog to determine if the content was appropriate/inappropriate, relevant/irrelevant. It didn’t feel like it came from a place of love, guidance, and support. I didn’t like the word “platform.” It’s a connect group. The idea is to get to know each other, share our gifts, support common goals or interests, and to… connect! I didn’t feel like it was a platform. I understand wanting to teach and protect, but as a new person, how was I supposed to know that I needed permission to share my gift or my talent with others? How do we give people the space to begin to learn what could or needed to be fixed within themselves even if there was something wrong if we don’t allow them to be vulnerable and make the mistake? As a new person to the group, I watched the leader share and promote their channels and services offered outside of the connect group, so why would I think I couldn’t share my own? During the conversation, the leader couldn’t encourage, guide, support, teach, or see me because they didn’t provide themselves with enough content to even know what to say outside of, we don’t do that here. How is it something you don’t do if it’s never happened before? By the time the conversation was done, they ended it with the open door of me feeling uncomfortable to return by insinuating maybe it wasn’t the right connect group for me and recommending other places to go. I never said I didn’t want to be a part of the connect group anymore. This is how people end up feeling rejected, and my heart was sad, because God-forbid anyone else had been made to feel that way.
My mother had explained that maybe it had something more to do with me and less to do with the leader of the connect group. I know what it’s like to feel rejected and to feel alienated, but I knew that even with that experience, I wasn’t sad for myself, it was the idea of someone else feeling that way. I would never want to contribute to someone else feeling that way and the idea of that happening made me sad. I don’t want to operate that way. I don’t like seeing people sacrifice one for the many. I care about the few and I care about the many, and I believe everyone should feel and be seen. I understand we need to protect but how do we protect from a place of love and guidance, rather than rebuking someone.
This situation was very eye opening to me. I have been put in a lot of situations lately that it’s hard to explain why I’m perturbed. Some people assume that I am offended or feeling bothered, and I try to reassure them, I’m not. I took my mother’s advice to not say anything to the connect group leader, because initially I did want to. I felt blindsided and I didn’t have a chance to think about, process, and express my concerns, nor did I want to just disappear without offering some sort of explanation. My mother said it may end up being a push and pull situation between us and I felt that it was best to just be quiet. I didn’t go to the connect group that next night, I just didn’t feel comfortable. So, I did a hard prayer. I needed some insight into what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. In my prayer I admitted I felt lost. Am I doing things or having these reactions because of my own emotions? Who am I? Is it really about other people or is it about me?
After my prayer, God told me I was a blank canvas. That’s all I heard. I was like, God come one, what does that mean?!?!? Now what?? Thursday morning, I went to therapy, and I love how God uses my therapist to show me, me. She pulls up this emotional wheel.
She explains to me that every time she has seen me in the past, all of my emotions have looked the same. When I have been emotionally distraught, I laugh and shrug it off, when I have been extremely angry, I laugh and shrug it off, when I’ve been happy and when I’ve been scared, I laugh and shrug it off. She asked me, who are you now? My initial response was, I don’t know, but just as I said it, I began to explain to her these situations I had been experiencing lately and how I felt. There was a lady in church I wanted to pray for in a wheelchair and I didn’t because I feared what I may have been doing wrong or what other people may have thought. I was confused as to what to do, but angry with myself for not doing it but then I cried. I was sad. The situation with the connect group leader, I wanted to help, and I was confused as to what I did wrong. The confusion became frustration but then I felt sad. I shared other things that led me to feeling sad, I’m not going to share them all, that’s between me and my wonderful therapist, but she said why do you feel sad. I had to study the wheel much more closely to find the word that fit, and the biggest word that expressed how I felt, was “powerless.” I said, “oooo I need to sit in that for a moment.”
Thursday night, I still hadn’t gotten a firm answer as to what I could’ve done differently. It occurred to me, duh, let me ask someone in the church who’s been here for a while who could give me more insight into what the rules of the church were and what I’m supposed to do. Another leader in the church, I have learned, is very sweet but very honest and forthcoming and offers me a ride one day a week to church. I asked her without explaining to her the situation, what was the purpose of the connect groups. She answered and the conversation gave me rest to know that my thoughts toward the situation, according to her, didn’t seem wrong and she understood my concern. She volunteered to speak to someone else about it. Whoa! I’m not trying to make it a big thing I just wanted to understand, but like a flood, God gave me insight… to me.
This blog so far has been focused on things that needed to be changed. I needed to heal and be broken from past traumatic experiences, hurt, and bad habits. Once I submitted and told God not my will, but yours, it gave him the opportunity to do what he needed to do, which was make me a blank canvas. I asked him to remove everything that wasn’t like him and that meant for him to change who I thought I was or was supposed to be. I felt lost. He said it’s ok for you to feel lost because I was. I was in the process of losing everything I was used to, everything that I had grown comfortable with in myself for the last 35 years of living, but just because I was comfortable, just because that’s who I’ve been for 35 years doesn’t mean it was right or meant to be there. Then there are attributes or skills that God will use moving forward.
I thought of this image of words written on a blank paper, some written in green and some in red splattered sporadically all over the paper. What’s green is good and what’s red is bad. God erased everything and left me a blank canvas of which he could rewrite what is and change what needs to be. Loving, caring, giving, forgiving, selflessness, mercy, patience, and empathy, were some of the words that were rewritten on my canvas.
Powerless. I have felt powerless all of my life. People betrayed me and took things from me without my permission. Men took my virtue and my innocence. Being raped and molested took my power and my voice. I felt powerless as men beat on me, kicked me, spit on me, and shamed me. I felt powerless when I couldn’t save my children. I felt powerless when I couldn’t leave. I felt powerless when my voice wasn’t heard, or I’m not seen and I’m too passive to speak up because I’m considerate of how it will make other people feel. I felt powerless when I couldn’t stand up for myself and what I feel is right. I felt powerless when homeless people walked past my car, and I had nothing to give. I felt powerless when someone was hungry, and I couldn’t feed them. I felt powerless when I was made to feel inadequate. I felt powerless but God erased the word powerless and replaced it with advocator.
It’s amazing how God will take our past and use it for his glory. I spent so many years feeling as though I could not fight for myself, and God has changed it for his glory. I am no longer powerless in his name; My desire to fight for others led to me being given the power and the strength to advocate and intercede for those who don’t know how or don’t have the strength for themselves. God has given me the heart to pursue the one who people may ignore, overlook, or may not consider in the current or in the future. God gave me the heart to pursue the sad, broken, brokenhearted, powerless, victimized, or ignored. I have been given the strength to advocate for change and not conform to the normalcy of what we think it should be versus what he intended. Sometimes that may make me feel separated, weird, or threatening to the wrong people, and that’s ok. God gave me the strength to love, be empathetic, see others differently, and at first, I couldn’t understand why he would give this to me. God told me to reread the prayer cards that I had written for the New Year.
Card One
I asked for it! I prayed that God allow who I am to show others who he was through me. Jesus pursued the one. He literally explains that as a shepherd he will follow the one lost sheep to lead them back to the herd. I asked him to give me the ability to love people as he does and the patience to do so. I prayed to be able to spread his glory and goodness through my testimony of what he has done and continue to do for me, and on this journey, he allowed me to write it every step of the way. Here I am asking why he gave me this gift, again, I asked for it!
Card 2
Just a few days or so ago I posted a video on social media of my kids and I wrestling and playing. I reflected on how far we have come. In January my oldest daughter was still living with her father and the other was still being emotionally tormented by the effects of her father. Today, they are amazing! It’s been a very long time since I have seen them this healthy and happy. More to go but look at where we have come from. In January I was praying to become a better mother, by March 2nd, if you’ve been following my journey, I wrote Becoming a Mother.
Cards 3,4,5,6
I prayed to God for revival. I asked him to be blessed and broken and he did just that. He placed in me a new spirit and a new heart and has begun to reveal things to me and prepare me for more to come. I have more cards to go through, but it’s not time. Go look at my TikTok page, @moniqueshauni, and you will see the video that I created on December 30, 2023, of me creating my prayer board. I knew there was a God that answers prayers, but I didn’t think he answered mine but time and time again, he proves, that MY God answers my prayers too. It’s not just a God that I read about. He’s not just the God of Abraham, the God of Jacob, or the God of David. It’s not just a God that I pray to because it’s the right thing to do. He’s Shaunica’s God too. He’s, MY God. My prayers match what this journey has been about as I have been writing it. I was absolutely amazed.
I am even more amazed that on December 31st, a stranger commented on my prayer board video that doing something would inspire me to write even deeper. I didn’t respond at the time because, in December first of all, write what? I wasn’t writing anything at the time, I was making a prayer board. Now here I am 4 months later, with almost 10 chapters in the works of becoming a book. So, I went and did what the stranger asked me to do, and it confirmed my journey. It confirmed Becoming Like God, operating in the spirit and the spirit disrupting your flesh-like thinking. It confirmed Becoming a Woman of Faith. It confirmed the rewards that come with diligently seeking God. It confirmed why I think differently. It confirmed what happens when God gives me feedback to my efforts and when I see I am getting answers. Most of all, it was confirmation to what came next, which was consecration.
I love people. I enjoy people. I’m playful and goofy, and I love to joke. I truly believe I am hilarious. I have multiple talents. In my confusion, I was here, there, and everywhere. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance, I wanted to do hair, I’m getting my master’s in business, I’m getting my master’s in Marriage and family therapy, and I love to build and do carpentry. I am a writer, and I am artistic. I’ve been forced to learn so much information because of my experiences. I am brilliant and I can do anything I put my mind to. I give my love and dedication to whatever or whoever it is that needs me. I love to nurture and see growth in children, homes, businesses, processes, and people. I am strong and resilient. I am patient and I am kind. I will give you my last and sometimes even my first. I love to give because I love seeing people happy. I am forgiving. In God I will become a mender of broken things and people because I don’t see them as broken. I see the potential in the broken as God intended.
I don’t give up on loving the broken, even in something as simple as taking old furniture and making it something new. God knew my hearts cry and knew where he would take me when I made the decision to begin my new year praying to him for change me. God knew he would call me to write when I made the prayer board, so much so, a random person confirmed it before I had even begun.
“The world says be self-centered and self-seeking… It’s not about you!”
God was motivated by love to pay the price for you and me, which was the death of his son, and in truth there is only one way to repay his love, which is to give him all of yours; to love him unconditionally until the end of time. He’s looking for a return on his investment. What is he getting with the price that he paid? I didn’t just want to live right, I wanted to become his vessel, to do his bidding, which is what consecration is. Without it, we are unreasonable. We want to do what we want to do. We want to take the resources that he has given us and use them for what we want to. We want to become successful, we want to pursue our passions, be who we want, or who we think we should be. I chose to reject the life that I chose for me and make me the resource. God, what is your perfect plan for me. God, I choose to make me and my resources available to you at your disposal. Romans 6:18 and 22 says when we become free from sin, we are enslaved to righteousness; enslaved to God. Romans 12:1 urges us to present our bodies a living sacrifice unto God; to present it holy and pleasing because it is our reasonable service. My gifts, my talents, and resources aren’t mine, they were given to me by God to be in his service and now I am choosing to give it back to him, but it requires a shift in your mindset.
Only the spirit of God can transform you to shift the way you think because the way you think is calibrated to the ways of the world. God gave me this understanding in pieces, for example in Becoming like God and learning to operate in the spirit because my thinking was changing. I thought I was weird, but my thinking wasn’t weird, it shifted. I discovered that my mind has been renewed. Reading the bible gave me the knowledge but not the understanding. For example, I can read God doesn’t give me the spirit of fear, but I be scared! What does peace and a sound mind feel like in the midst of scary moments? That’s true understanding.
I made it my daily prayer to ask God, what can I do for you today? We get so consumed with asking God for things, when was the last time you asked how you could be of service to him?
Consecration meant that l was beginning to be trusted with knowing God’s heart as he knows mine. Romans 12:2 says be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and the perfect will of God. The things that bother God, will bother me, because I have now aligned my heart with God’s. I’ll begin to know when to stand, when to sit down, when to go, when to walk away, when to run, and when to do absolutely nothing. My life will tell a different story and manifest a different language than that of the world. The world says be self-centered and self-seeking and when you are, God will disappoint you because it’s not about you! Consecration requires a selfless perspective because when you become a carrier of the word of God, it’s not just a book, it’s his thoughts and you must be selfless to be trusted with his thoughts. I made it my daily prayer to ask God, what can I do for you today? We get so consumed with asking God for things, when was the last time you asked how you could be of service to him?
It was hard to explain to people when I would say, I’m genuinely not upset, I’m upset for the people who come after me. I’m genuinely sad for something or someone else. Some people who knew me said, it’s probably about you because of the things you have been through, and they were right. I once was broken and now I weep for those who still are broken. I cry a lot and sometimes they aren’t my tears. Sometimes I cry because some things in this world are painful to see. Sometimes I cry because I think, what can I do? I will be honest; it wasn’t easy getting to this place because that means understanding that the life, I thought I was supposed to live is no longer my choice. My dreams, goals, and aspirations may not align with what God has planned for me and that can be very disappointing and hurtful. Last August I was heartbroken because I just knew that I wanted to pursue two graduate degrees at the same time and without it I felt I was nothing. Here I am now, God, yes, I want my degrees. I put a lot of work, commitment, and love into my education, and I wanted to see it through, but if that’s not what you want for me, so be it. Maybe not right now, I don’t know, but I know I’m not sad anymore. I’ve gotten really comfortable in saying I do not… know! Anyone who has spoken to me lately and have had a conversation about my situation or what my plans, hear me say a lot, (shrug) I don’t know. Why? I prayed for a blind faith, to trust God even when I don’t understand. If he wanted to tell me he would, but he’s shown that he got me covered. I trust God enough to know, that if it’s what he wants, it’ll happen, even if it’s not right now, and if not, he has a greater plan for me. I submit my will and my flesh to the will of God. Like David said in Psalm 16:5-6, God you hold my future and I choose God as my inheritance. God your glory is my reward, which brings me to what is to come. The first symptom of consecration is restoration. Everything I lost; God will begin to restore it. Heaven is happy to restore! Whatever the devil stole from me, and I don’t just mean monetary things, I mean true joy, peace, and anointings; I demand it all back, in Jesus’ name, because now I can be trusted to use it all, unselfishly, and for whatever God needs me to!
Home 
Leave a comment